Jake Warner: February 2009 Archives

February 18, 2009

They Really Said It!

Jake Warner: Auntie, as good as lawyer jokes can be, nothing is ever quite as funny as very stupid -- but very real -- courtroom comments.

Auntie Nolo: And the lower the court, the better the humor. Although I've known every Chief Justice of the Supreme Court from Jay to Roberts -- except Roger Taney, who I couldn't abide -- very few even knew how to smile.

Jake Warner: Wasn't Taney the man who wrote the Dred Scott opinion saying southern slave owners could hound slaves through the north, despite the fact that Congress had restricted the spread of slavery to the western territories in the Missouri Compromise of 1820?

Auntie Nolo: That's him -- appointed by Jackson and lasted 'til Lincoln, did as much as anyone to make the Civil War inevitable. There was nothing funny about that man.

Jake Warner: But getting back to yucks, how about some favorites...

Auntie Nolo: Well, there was the time the lawyer cross-examined a witness asking "Are you sexually active?" to which the woman responded, "No, I just lie there." I also enjoyed the time a slightly dim lawyer asked a considerably brighter witness, "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

Jake Warner: And what did he reply?

Auntie Nolo: "Are you sh$#%ing me?"

Jake Warner: Nice.

Auntie Nolo: And here's one that can't be printed in family newspapers but nevertheless happened in open court:

Lawyer: Did you hear the witness say that if she couldn't get reasonable visitation she'd take custody of the f%#*ing kid?

Defendant (sitting at the counsel table): I never said that, I never speak like that -- you're just a big, fat, f%#*ing liar!

Jake Warner: Enough said, surely.

Auntie Nolo: C'mon, we have space for one more:

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up?
Witness: Where am I, Cathy?
Lawyer: And why did that make you mad?
Witness: My name is Susan.
February 2, 2009

Hard Times Humor

Jake Warner: Auntie, what's up? You haven't checked in for a few months.

Auntie Nolo: The world's been melting down so fast I've had trouble conjuring a smile.

Jake Warner: C'mon, this isn't the first financial panic you've lived through. How about a little debt and bankruptcy humor? I'll get us going with my favorite:

Capitalism without bankruptcy is like Christianity without hell.
--Frank Borman

Auntie Nolo: Okay, here's a remark Waldo Emerson told me one day after the financial panic in 1837, right after Van Buren took over from Old Hickory:

It is said that the world is in a state of bankruptcy -- that the world owes the world more than the world can pay.

Jake Warner: Well, that's a winner in the "the more things change, the more they stay the same" category, but it's not exactly a belly-buster.

Auntie Nolo: Maybe you'll like this one from the comic Joey Adams better:

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in you pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

Or how about:

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
--Earl Wilson

Jake Warner: But how about Oscar Wilde? He was a funny guy who was broke.

Auntie Nolo: That's because most funny guys would make a better living running a lemonade stand in front of a foreclosure sale than telling jokes, but yes, I do remember a remark that pretty well sums up Oscar's attitude toward being in debt:

A man who pays his bills on time is soon forgotten.

Jake Warner: That was fun -- and Auntie? Don't stay away so long next time.

Auntie Nolo: I'll be back as soon as I drop down to Texas and check in with Kinky Friedman. After all, anybody who could say, "When the horse dies, get off!" must know a lot about depressions!