Feb 18, 2009

They Really Said It!

Jake Warner: Auntie, as good as lawyer jokes can be, nothing is ever quite as funny as very stupid -- but very real -- courtroom comments.

Auntie Nolo: And the lower the court, the better the humor. Although I've known every Chief Justice of the Supreme Court from Jay to Roberts -- except Roger Taney, who I couldn't abide -- very few even knew how to smile.

Jake Warner: Wasn't Taney the man who wrote the Dred Scott opinion saying southern slave owners could hound slaves through the north, despite the fact that Congress had restricted the spread of slavery to the western territories in the Missouri Compromise of 1820?

Auntie Nolo: That's him -- appointed by Jackson and lasted 'til Lincoln, did as much as anyone to make the Civil War inevitable. There was nothing funny about that man.

Jake Warner: But getting back to yucks, how about some favorites...

Auntie Nolo: Well, there was the time the lawyer cross-examined a witness asking "Are you sexually active?" to which the woman responded, "No, I just lie there." I also enjoyed the time a slightly dim lawyer asked a considerably brighter witness, "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

Jake Warner: And what did he reply?

Auntie Nolo: "Are you sh$#%ing me?"

Jake Warner: Nice.

Auntie Nolo: And here's one that can't be printed in family newspapers but nevertheless happened in open court:

Lawyer: Did you hear the witness say that if she couldn't get reasonable visitation she'd take custody of the f%#*ing kid?

Defendant (sitting at the counsel table): I never said that, I never speak like that -- you're just a big, fat, f%#*ing liar!

Jake Warner: Enough said, surely.

Auntie Nolo: C'mon, we have space for one more:

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up?
Witness: Where am I, Cathy?
Lawyer: And why did that make you mad?
Witness: My name is Susan.