Sep 11, 2008

Auntie Nolo's Favorite Lawyer Jokes, Part 1

Jake Warner: Auntie, I notice you don't tell a lot of lawyer jokes. Is there a reason?

Auntie Nolo: A good lawyer joke is like a pin -- it's short, delicate, and has a sharp point. But sadly, too many lawyer jokes are more like a brick -- square, blunt, and boring.

Jake Warner: I agree, humor should prick, not bash. But surely some jokes must qualify?

Auntie Nolo: Sure, and here are my favorites:

The difference between lawyer jokes and attorney jokes is $100 per hour.
***
A client paid his lawyer's $500 fee with $100 bills. Later, the lawyer realizes that two bills had stuck together, meaning he had received $600. "This is a true ethical dilemma," the lawyer thought. "Should I tell my partner?"
***
When a 46-year old lawyer reached the Pearly Gates he protested to Saint Peter, "But I'm far too young to die!"

"Well, according to the hours you've billed, you're 92," Saint Peter explained.
***
When a lawyer named Strange was planning his tombstone, he asked the stone-cutter to inscribe, "Here lies John Strange, an honest lawyer." 

The man replied, "Can't do it -- there's a law against burying two people in the same grave. But anyway, all you need is 'Here lies an honest lawyer'." 

"But then no one will know who is buried in the grave!" 

"No worries," said the stone-cutter, "people will read it and say, 'that's strange.'"
***
Question: Cinderella, Santa Claus, an honest lawyer and an old drunk were walking down the street, when simultaneously all four spotted a hundred dollar bill lying in the gutter. Who gets it?

Answer: The old drunk, of course, since the others are all mythical creatures.
***
Claiming an emergency, a lawyer woke the Governor in the middle of the night. "Judge Smith just died and I want to replace him," he said.

"Fine," said the Governor, "I'll call the mortuary and see if it can be arranged."