Lawyer: Did you hear the witness say that if she couldn't get reasonable visitation she'd take custody of the f%#*ing kid?Defendant (sitting at the counsel table): I never said that, I never speak like that -- you're just a big, fat, f%#*ing liar!
Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up?Witness: Where am I, Cathy?Lawyer: And why did that make you mad?Witness: My name is Susan.
Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not disclose another's secret; lest he who hears you bring shame upon you, and your ill repute have no end.
St. Yves is from BrittanyA lawyer but not a thiefSuch a thing is beyond belief.
Bold, hasty and wise, a concocter of lies,A rattler to speak, a dodger, a sneak,A regular claw of the tables of law,A shuffler complete, well worn in deceit,A supple, unprincipled, troublesome cheat,A hangdog accurst, a bore with the worst,In the tricks of the jury-court thoroughly versed.
Yes, and men shall come and waitIn their thousands at your gate,Desiring consultations and adviceOn an action or a pleading,From the men of light and leadingAnd you'll pocket many talents in a trice.
Of all rape defenses we've stocked upHere's the best: "I couldn't get her knocked up"Though defendant was sperm-lessWe can't let him squirm lessHe did the act that got him locked up.
"Your billable hours are low,"Said the partner, "they simply must grow.It behooves you to hike them,Or better, please spike them --To lunch breaks and sleep, just say no."
The associate listened in shockAs she learned that her life was in hockTo a clock-punching firmWhile her boss, who's a wormMade her wonder if law's just a crock.
The man replied, "Can't do it -- there's a law against burying two people in the same grave. But anyway, all you need is 'Here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But then no one will know who is buried in the grave!"
"No worries," said the stone-cutter, "people will read it and say, 'that's strange.'"
"Fine," said the Governor, "I'll call the mortuary and see if it can be arranged."
To which the client answered, "Now Attorney Douglas, I was pretty sure I did steal that cow until I heard your beautiful speech to the jury. But you were so convincing that now I'm pretty sure I didn't!"
"I already knew what you were going to ask," replied the witness.
"OK then," the lawyer said, "Answer my next question!"
"After my first trial, I asked my daddy how I did. 'You have to guard against speaking more clearly than you think,' he replied."
"If you took all the laws and laid them end-to-end, there would be no end."
"Lawyer: the only person in whom ignorance of the law is not punished."
"They call it the Halls of Justice because the only place you get justice is in the halls."
"The law is like a killy-loo bird, a creature that insisted on flying backward because it didn't care where it was going but was mightily interested in where it had been."
But who is this Auntie Amanda Nolo and how did she get in the legal humor business? The best guess is that Auntie Nolo was born in ancient Greece in the time of Aeschylus ("Wrong must not win by technicalities"). Since then, from Sophocles to Cicero and Abe Lincoln to Will Rogers, Auntie has always turned up when lawyers and their critics take a walk on the hilarious, bizarre, and just plain silly side of the legal street.
"The law & lawyers are such endlessly funny subjects I've just kept laughing and laughing -- laughing so hard I guess I just haven't had time to die. But thinking about mortality, let me ask you a question: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick drops off when you're dead!"